Wednesday, December 16, 2009

This is what I look like this week....

...not really. But isn't this picture awesome? This is the Krampus. And that thing in his hand is a bunch of switches to beat kids with. Or with which to beat kids, if you're that kind of proper person. My friend Heather told me about him. Apparently, the whole story of Santa didn't make it over the big pond. In Europe, they tell the kids the Krampus rides with Santa in his sleigh and he (the Krampus, that is) snatches up the bad kids and throws them in the pit of hell. Nice, huh? I'm one more "SIT DOWN AND GET QUIET!" away from showing my kids this picture....

Thursday, December 3, 2009

An Open Letter to My Laptop

Dear School Laptop,

We are no longer friends. When you first came to me, I did not judge you--even though you were worn out from having beer and Ramen noodles spilled on you by some Wake Forest kid. I took you in. Now, I admit that I left you in the box for awhile, but when I discovered your wireless capabilities, I delighted in using you, despite the fact that you had no tabbed browsing and I had to save all my home documents in old Microsoft Office formats. Then you lured me in with the promise of a NEW browser, and I was excited once again....then I plugged you in, and lo and behold, NO TABS. Now you have stopped saving my settings and refuse to log on to that ridiculously STUPID, albeit necessary, pong game called Simple Sign On. Therefore, I am ENDING our relationship...I may have to use you, but I don't have to like you.

Disappointed Hopes in Winston Salem

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

And visions of sugar plums did NOT dance in their heads...

I am a firm believer in the kindergarten nap. I know what you're thinking--"Of course she is, it gets those kids out of her hair for 30 minutes...." But that's not why. First of all, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends 5 yr. olds get ten to twelve hours of sleep a night. Most of my parents work second and third shift jobs and don't always get to put their kids to bed early enough, so their kids don't come close to getting enough sleep at night. Also, I believe American children in general are over-stimulated. Nap time gives them a chance to relax quietly for a short time. Finally, the Department of Public Instruction says rest time is developmentally appropriate for kindergarten. Yes, I'm a firm believer in nap time. Or was. Until this year. And here are the reasons why:

The Singer
Actually, I have more than one of these. These kids lay on their mats and sing every song we've ever sung in kindergarten. "What is the weather, the weather, the weather, what is the weather, the weather today?" "Apple, apple, a, a, a, baby, baby, b,b,b...." It doesn't matter how many times you tell them to STOP... they keep singing. They are impervious to any kind of correction, short of hurling them out the door.

The Fish
Seriously, I don't think this kid is a land animal. He lays on his mat and flips around like a dying goldfish. His favorite way to begin rest time is by backing up and diving onto his mat like he's landing in a deep pool instead of on a one-inch thick mat on a concrete floor. How he doesn't have some sort of head injury is beyond me.

The Reporter
This kid has a future as either a news man or a town crier. There isn't a thing that goes on that's beyond his notice. And he feels the need to share all of it with me. "K is off her mat." "B has a piece of paper." "A is touching B's book bag." I usually try to ignore it since I don't think it would be appropriate to yell, "I DON'T FRICKIN' CARE!!!"

The Prairie Dog
Now this in an odd phenomenon. This kid is quiet and generally very compliant. This all changes at nap time. No matter how many times I say, "Get back on your mat," when I look up, he's up on his knees, staring at me over a book shelf. I've even tried moving him, and he still manages to find a way to stare at me. I'm thinking of trying bungee cords.

The Acrobat
Seriously, this kid has a future with Cirque du Soleil. The other day I looked over and she was doing a full-on back bend on her mat. And when I say, "WHAT are you doing?!?" she looks at me like I'M crazy. I've actually started ignoring the gymnastics because it's quieter than her other favorite past time, which is rattling the trash bag.

All I can tell you is, I'm glad I don't have to put them to bed at night....