These Are My Confessions....

Not Usher (Ur-shur) kind of confessions...I actually stole this idea from another blog, and I figured it was an easy way to re-enter the blogosphere...so here we go.....

1. I'm a really bad blogger.  Really, a pointless confession, but hey, I've got to start somewhere.
2. If we don't go back to school soon, I might have to go on some sort of crime spree.
3. And yet....I don't know if I can live out of my pajama pants.  I really like the elastic waistband.  OH THE MENTAL ANGUISH do I want to work or stay home???...maybe I should just get these....
4. Wake Forest, you hurt my feelings.  I'm pretty sure I could beat you in basketball right now.
5. Hold on to your hat.....I think iPhones are stupid.  Why would I want to watch a movie on a two and a half inch screen?  Angry birds?  Are you kidding me?  Besides that, can't you just use your laptop for all the stuff it does?  And if you're not near your laptop and are, say, in your car, shouldn't you be, I don't know, DRIVING?????
6. And while we're discussing electronic devices--(I can see this turning into a rant, so if you're into avoiding this kind of thing, you might want to turn left here..), I think real people should always trump epeople...meaning, be WITH the people your with..quit texting the ones who couldn't bother to be there with you and talk to the people in front of you.
7. That last confession makes me sound like I'm 87.
8. I love it when people say things wrong, because it makes me laugh.  My brother-in-law used to work with a guy who called Hasidic Jews  aesthetic Jews...it still makes me laugh every time I think about it.
9. If you know me at all, that last one wasn't much of a confession.
10. I don't have anymore confessions.

I won't make you any promises about being back here soon, because clearly, that's a commitment I'd have trouble keeping, so until we meet again....you stay classy, San Diego...(name that movie).

Maybe It's the New Lip Gloss....

I think one of my students has developed a crush on me.
As evidenced by the following:

All of a sudden, all these pictures have started showing up on my desk.

Pictures of me, smiling and picking flowers.

Teeny, tiny pictures of me.

Pictures of him and me on horse back.

Pictures of him rescuing me from deathly peril.  That's me in the cage, by the way.

 And then there's this.

Notice the Q with the hearts around it.  That's Q, as in Qualls.

I'd call this the smoking gun. 

I'm figuring this will last until the next time I put him in the dog house for starting some sort of batman/superman death match on the playground. 

Which will probably be in about half an hour.

Round Two

Hello?

                           Anybody out there?  (crickets chirping)

                                                                                            

                                                                                                   Anybody left?

Look, I know I am totally lame-O.  What can I say?  I lost my mojo.  In my defense, several things happened at once.  My assistant and dear dear friend retired at the end of last year and in order to make her feel especially loved, I decided to contract some sort of viral/bacterial plague during the last week and a half of school.  Good times, let me tell you.  Nothing like thinking about doing report cards and cumulative folders when your body is covered in angry red hives, your stomach feels like you just drank some battery acid and your throat keeps closing up, making trying to breathe LOTS of fun....Needless to say, blogging didn't top my priority list and I was under doctor's orders to GET AWAY FROM SCHOOL all summer.  At this point I would just like to tell you several things....

1. Don't get hives.
2. On the 8th day, God created the oatmeal bath.  God bless you, Aveeno!  I could weep with tears of gratitude, but then I might get all stirred up and get the hives again.....
3. I was just kidding about that stirred up stuff....I haven't had hives in months!
4. However, I will admit to carrying two gallon-size Ziploc bags full of drugs with me where ever I went for awhile, lest the angry hives appear again.  I wanted to go all Eagle Scout on 'em....
5. Anyway, I'm in first grade now, with a new assistant, and I love it!  God, in His sweet mercy has given me another wonderful assistant!  And I talk to/see my former (notice I didn't say OLD) assistant at least once a week! 
6. I have many of the same bright, funny, wacky, amazing kids.  As a matter of fact, I have some of their art work on this here blog!  I'll let you take a look at it!  But before I do that, I must tell you the assignment they were given.  It was the second or third day of school  and I was trying to figure out how much ground we lost (learning) and we were trying to settle into a routine, and besides that, I just really love kids' art!  And I get to boss them around and have them draw pictures!  Anyway, I gave them paper and said, draw a picture of yourself.  That's it.  That was the assignment.  Here's some of what I got:

This is one of my A girls. She's jumping rope on the playground. If you'd seen the playground, you would know how simply and beautifully she placed the two new pieces of equipment in the background of the picture. I love how she drew herself. She's happy and cute in real life! Great picture!

                                                           

Here's another one of my A girls. She sees herself as a beautiful princess. She's seen lots of things that are very far from beautiful, yet she still knows who she is....a princess....someone who's worth something! Oh, keep it, Precious Girl! You have so much to teach us!

 Here's my J boy!  Again, let the record show, I said draw a picture of yourself.  I even think I drew a picture of myself, getting the clothes right, trying to make it look like my hair, emphasizing showing how you really look..  And this is what he did. 

The only thing funnier/scarier was hearing his actual explanation... and yeah, I'm pretty sure those are cat whiskers....

Law and Order: KI - A Cautionary Tale

I think Spring has finally sprung!  Woo Hoo!  My assistant decided to celebrate this by giving all our kids a dollar store pencil and eraser. They came in this morning and found the loot on their math journals.  One of my children, to whom we will refer as the defendant, immediately broke his pencil and in the ten minutes I was standing in the doorway greeting the children, proceeded to come over not once, but twice and tell me I "forgot" to sharpen his pencil; to which I replied, "NO, I didn't forget, I actually have something I'm supposed to be doing now and it is not sharpening your pencil."  This is where the tale takes a turn--pay attention, you may learn something....After everyone arrived, I then took said pencil to FIVE DIFFERENT PENCIL SHARPENERS.  None of them could sharpen the pencil.  So twenty minutes later, I had a nub with Easter Eggs on it and no lead.  I dug around in a draw and found a shiny, blue substitute pencil to placate our defendant.  This is when the crime was committed....

Here's the dollar store nub. Don't give these to your kids unless you want to spend all your time trying to sharpen them in a vain attempt to find the lead.



Here's the substitute pencil. He had this for approximately three minutes before he had to have it taken away.



Here's the defendant.



And here's his victim.



I'll let him tell you what he did. Note that he kind of indicates it's her fault for sticking her finger on the pencil.



Here's the victim's version of events. Notice she's so choked up at the end, she can no longer speak.



And here's the big apology...Sincere, isn't it?



Yes, that's right, in the three minutes he had the pencil, he stabbed someone with it and "it bleed". After I spent twenty minutes sharpening then replacing it.

That's what you get for giving out prizes at the BEGINNING of the day...

I'll Bet He Wasn't Even a Real Doctor....

If you don't work in an elementary school, you might not know that Dr. Seuss's birthday was this week.  That's a big deal around these parts, and I'm not even sure why because his books are kind of, well, stupid.  I know, I know, it's like I'm Sinead O'Connor ripping up that picture of the pope on SNL and I'll admit that some of his books, like The Lorax, are exceptional but come on, have you read Hop On Pop lately??  Anyway, my kids lo-ove his books.  It's kind of like Nick Jr. in literary form.  What's great is after I've read about four of them one of my kids will say,"Hey, that rhymes..." Why, yes, yes it does.  So in order to be on the bandwagon and all that, we had lots of fun Dr. Seuss activities.  And here is the photographic evidence...

Here's the Cat in the Hat.  They made the eyes, nose and mouth themselves.

This is the green eggs and ham we made.  Doesn't it look appetizing?  They ate the heck out of it.

Everyone tried some.  Even the one who said it looked like lettuce.

Here's our hats.  And you thought paper bags were just for lunches.

AND we made cute little bowties to go with them.

Look at that face.  What a cutie.

Now his hat may LOOK like everyone else's, but it's not.  I saw a pencil sticking out of it, and when I asked him about it, he informed me that it was a magical hat and that he could pull things out of it, like the pencil, an old post-it note and a paper dinosaur he had made.

Hmmmm....sounds like an idea for a Dr. Seuss book.

It Was Only a Matter of Time

This has been a long time coming.  I'm actually surprised this hasn't come up before.  This is a ranting post.  If you know me at all, you know that I tend to rant about things...things I find stupid or annoying, like people who sit at green lights or the fact that iTunes won't back up your music even if you spend approximately $42,783.99.  Seriously, is it too much to ask for them to keep a copy?  They know you bought it, because they sure won't let you share it with anyone...Anyway, back to the matter at hand...This is about fruit.  Specifically, those crappy little fruit cups that little kids carry in their lunch boxes.  Who is the moron/sadist that designed these things?? Are you trying to be mean or are you just an idiot? It is physically impossible to open one without spilling that syrup all over yourself.  And what's worse is, just when you think you've gotten that little plastic lid off, BAM! you try to pull off the last little bit and it spills everywhere.  And this is not brand-specific.  Oh no, we can't lay this all at the proverbial feet of Dole.  Now, if you have one kid, maybe you don't see this as much of a problem.  But when you've had to open, say, eleven of them in a row, it gets a little annoying.  And it's not limited to those peaches.  In fact, I once had a kid who tried to open applesauce and it went off like a bomb that would have made Hamas proud.  Four people were covered with apple shrapnel.  They stood there gaping while he proceeded to sit down and enjoy his lunch.  When, in one of my teacher-of-the-year moments I ran over and said, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" he shrugged his shoulders and gave me one of those, "Geez, Lady, what's your problem?" looks.  What indeed.  And even if you manage to get that little lid off without wearing most of the contents of that stupid little cup, the kid will spill it all over the table as soon as you walk away.  Then your room smells like peaches and everyone who sits at that table has stuff sticking to them all day (Picture Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation--"Little full, Lotta sap..").  So the next time you're in the grocery store and you're looking at the (let's be honest) fake fruit, for the sake of your child's teacher, realize a) they can't open those things and b) they won't eat them....and head for the bananas.

Yet Another List....

 Of kindergartenish information. Which is weird, because I rarely use lists in my real life.  But I like them on  my blog....Anyway, here's more stuff you may not know...

• While you’re reading a story, the kids on the front row will stick their fingers in the holes of your Crocs. 
•  On a somewhat related note, they are absolutely fascinated by any kind of lipstick, jewelry or nail polish. Boy and girls equally. If you paint your toenails and wear flip flops, the kids in the front will be unable to listen to anything you say, because they will be looking at your feet. 
• They always use WAY too much hand sanitizer (hanitizer). It drips down their elbows and takes the wax off the floor. 
• Conversely, they won’t use soap to wash their hands unless you make them. It’s not enough to tell them to use soap, you have to stand there and watch them. I spend way more time in the men’s room than anyone should have to.... 
•  You have to say, “Please take your hands out of your pants,” a LOT. 
•  They have NO concept of age—it doesn’t matter if you tell them you’re 16 or 100, they’ll believe you.
• They like to get tissues, but they don't use them.  They carry the kleenex around and end up jamming their fingers up their noses.
•  Many of them will be unable to write their names, zip their pants, or tie their shoes, but will know all the words to “Shawty Got Low”, all the songs in High School Musical and the theme to SpongeBob SquarePants.

Yes, it’s a really good thing they’re cute.